i kinda like my iphone 12 mini

first written: 2025.10.7-Tue-10:21est

      # premise

I have been really in love with my Pixel 3aXL. 

I got it in 2020ish and I purchased it off eBay for $40.

    After 4 years sum of wear and tear on my part and any further acrewed by its previous owner I gave up on it. It had earned a lot of erratic behaviors with turning off randomly, speakers would only rarely work which made making phone calls impossible. I held off on buying a new phone because I really felt like there wasn't a new phone for a reasonable price for me. I don't want a big screen, and with 3aXL I really didn't want to go bigger, and yes I am aware of the irony of having bought the XL. 

    New phones are obsessed with features that don't concern me, namely the display and camera. While I do make frequent use of the camera I have so little care for the fidelity of the photos and video. I also really don't enjoy the overly sharp look and feel of a lot of phone cameras so if I was dead set on taking a photo I would just bust out a nice real camera.

  ## my perspective

    I am looking for anew phone that is feature complete but not cluttered. Which is just to say, I really want to feel enabled by my phone. When I was briefly living in Japan, I could not use my phone as a payment method, which made my time a little bit less convenient. My pixel wasn't compatible with the pay stations half was because my phone was dated, and half because Japan has a  very blatant preference for iPhones. 

    In the same breath I  really value something being not in the way, and as I will  discuss later I don't think that is fully achieved by this iPhone. I am really repulsed by the notion of needing to coddle your expensive luxury gee-gaw. In a literal way that would include needing to protect a delicate screen, fragile chasis, or other minute build features. But it also includes things like needing to constantly baby sit its' battery. For me I use my phone all day and charge over night, not unusual, but if I were to miss a day I really loathe the idea that my following day will revolve around nursing outlet to outlet.

    With that out of the way here are my take aways a few weeks into owning my first iPhone...

     # observations

    Something that I came in worried about iphones is their battery life. I have known them to have a bit of a reputation for inconviently lasting just a little short of day. But to my suprise it has been completely fine, I haven't had it die on me once.

    But my phone habits aren't particularly energy hungry. I don't like watching videos on my phone, and the only time I've had to deal with a low battery pop up was on a particularly dour day when I just layed around watching star trek clips.

    So far most of my time has been spent in Apple's books app. On android I used Librera with few complaints. But I simply did not know how good I could have it. I love that the UI is out of the way, the font rendering looks strangely good (something I've learned I can't take for granted), and I can lock the orientation so I can read in bed (which for some reason I was having trouble in Librera).

    I was also initially cringing at the idea that I would have to buy my books off Apple's own storefront, but I was pleasantly suprised that I was able to just add my PDFs and ePubs straight to the Apple Books app. Though Apple was sure to send me to their store for other features :P .

    Something novel to me about using an iphone is how much the iphone wants to be my NANNY. From reminding me to read more, or that I have read TOO MUCH SHIT on discord. Android was always a kind of distant guardian in my life. They came home with fun toys, but they like were never there when I poked my eye out. Not that Apple to my knowledge has ever really helped anyone.

    It has felt like having a teacher constantly in the room. Not even over my shoulder, just there.

 

    Early on into my switch I was prompted to update my brand new iphone. Because I'm a slug, I thoughtlessly accepted it and after leaving my phone to do some work in my basement my phone much like living with a roommate was busy moving everything around into a new place. So when I returned I stumbled into the much talked about liquid glass update. 

     When I picked up my phone and found everything was changed I just sighed. I don't particularly hate it. The only thing that stirs in my cold hater heart is that it feels a little shallow in its' riding of nostalgia for old aero and aqua design language. It just came upon me frivolously. Like a small child trying to explain anything to me.

    On my last phone I had set my ringtone to be a bleepy and bloopy version of Dragonquest's overture march. It's distinct flip phone quality makes the dread of having to pick up the phone just a little bit easier.

      I didn't expect to have any problems setting it as a ringtone. I could perfectly imagine in settings being able to just select one of my many mp3s and using it. But sadly this remained in my imagination because out of the box you can only select from a short list of pre installed ring tones or you can go onto the itunes store and buy one.

    While it did feel really stupid I wasn't totally against it. I felt like it would be appropriate to compensate the fine people and scum at SquareEnix their fair share. But the itunes store lacked an appropriately bleepy or bloopy rendition. Something surprising to me seeing as I got the track off an official CD.

    So sure that there must be a way put a ringtone that I want on this thing I sought out some internet resources and found a few guides. They all included downloading Garage band, cropping, and exporting to a specific file format. So I sat at my desk waiting for 2 hours using my 3rd world country internet connection to download this audio workstation.

    It was easy enough, but It felt so needless. Apple didn't even have the courtesy of forcing me to pay for a compromised product, they were going to make me walk to get it.

 

also

i miss gestures...

       ## face id

    Something shocking to me was the iphone's complete omitting of a fingerprint sensor. Something that I had become so expecting of in a modern device. It's not the end of the world, but I don't exactly love what Apple replaced it with. 

    First the strength of Face ID: no matter whats on my fingies I can easily unlock my phone. This comes up in my life when I am cooking. On my pixel 3aXL any grease, water, mayo, or gunk would require that I peck in my PIN. With Face ID I can hands free unlock my device.

    Now the downside of Face ID: it is dependent that my face look the same. While I am no changeling, I do make frequent use of the ugliest, squarest, and tackiest sunglasses of all time to help combat migraines. But these things make those old mustache n' glasses disguises seem like childs play in comparison, because as far as my iphone is concerned I am an intruder.

    To a lesser but still prevalent extant I have this problem when I am not wearing my normal glasses or a hat. It's made all the more frustrating because it required that my PIN instead of being the normal 4 digits long be 6. Which I would appreciate if I had a more reliable way to easily get into my phone. 

 

     When I pull my phone up to my face (usually at a brightness so low that I can only see my hideous face) and I am lucky enough to have Face ID detect my face I still have to pull up the lock screen to get into my phone. 

THIS IS NOT A FEATURE

    I do not care if it is intentional behavior IT IS A BUG because the developers ARE ON CRACK!!! 

      ## the hardware 

     I admit this nitpick to be particularly vein and self entitled. but i was really let down that my iphone didn't come with any case. if you're gonna use all this glassy surface but not offer me the courtesy of even the flimsiest case i feel like the all you're offering me is a burden. a little child i have to cradle.

    When I got my pixel 3aXL it came with a a little fabricy case and I never replaced it and while I don't think every manufacturer should give a forever case i do think if you're gonna make such an indulgent shell for your very expensive device it feels like apple at that point is performing it's own vein gesture preferring the aesthetic value of their product to my ease of mind in being its new owner.

    A small problem I was equipped to handle was the matter of charging the phone. For a while now Apple has enforced use of their own proprietary lightning connector. For my birthday my grandma bought me a pair of Airpod Pros that I wasn't able to charge. At the time I interpreted this to be an attack by my grandma on my lack of money to have previously bought an Apple product. So when Tim Apple maliciously attacked me with his lightning port I was ready.

    Proof that whatever doesn't kill you does makes you stronger. 

    The phone gets really hot and pretty quickly. It's never been unpleasant, but it was shocking the first time it happened. So far it has mostly manifested as a cute and subtle reminder I’m doing too much with this thing. 

    I really enjoy the silent hard switch. In middle school I got to make regular use of an ipad and this little switch is what I remember most about it. To be honest I don't make frequent use of the switch. I find switching on Do not Disturb an inappropriate solution to an inappropriate amount of notifications. But when I have used it, I have enjoyed the satisfaction of knowing its a mechanical thing I have flipped off and its not gonna just get magically flipped back on (like how managing the wifi and bluetooth radio works :P)

  ### the tragedy 

    On the 8th of October. Just two days after receiving the device I felt a shattering tragedy. While walking to the grocer and thumbing on the damn phone, I was totally foxy jump scared by a dog. My neighbors dog ran at me and in the process of running away and shoving my fresh new perfect iphone 12 mini into my pocket it slipped and slammed onto the concrete. Thankfully face up, so it's back took the damage. 

    While it worked fine, I could hear the nefarious Tim Apple cackle every time I looked at my decrepit device. "Don't you love that we made it all out of glass?" no Tim, I don't love it. You set me up for failure. Tim Apple you crooked man, you ARE NOT ON MY SIDE. 

    The added tragedy is that I had not ordered a case when I ordered the phone so I was still waiting on a phone case that wouldn't arrive for another week. So until then I would occasionally cut and scratch up my fingers and palm using this bastard device. 

    Now that it is cradled in a competent Otterbox case I don't have to be constantly reminded of my failure to hold rectangles.

    Look I accept blame for dropping it, but I feel like I have been in part been made a victim of  the folly of men even greater than me chasing simple aesthetic pleasures. Seriously it being made of glass is so dumb.

      ## "luxury" 

    I spent a bit of money on this phone. Apple tries to make you feel ok about spending this much on a phone, but convincing you that it is a luxury item. This premise is not unfounded, but is unsatisfying in a few ways. While I revel in there being no ads in my news feed, it is obvious that apple would like me make it a habit to give them some more money (see the section on setting a ring tone).

    Which is frustrating more when it happens because I feel like they are close to having something special. But the problem is when you do even a little bit of these nickel and dimings the illusion is completely shattered.

    Even more frustrating is that some of Apple's money seeking behavior has reached out of my iphone into my real life. Like in my inbox where I have found multiple emails recommending I casually drop a few thousand SMACKAROOS on an APPLE VISION PRO. HOW ABOUT you apple VISION MY SHAFT YOU FUCK WADS!!!!!!!! 

     # conclusion

    its ok.

    I probably won't be getting another iphone. Partially because Apple has stopped making mini iphones, and I have no interest in chasing a massive price tag for take it or leave it software and cameras I will not use.

headaches.

first written 01.23.25 19:13est

     I frequently experience something I describe to people as migraines. What I experience are not migraines. My mom frequently experiences migraines, she has for most of my life. She takes prescription pain relievers maybe every 3 days. In between she takes Advil. For all of my life she has carried around a little Advil bottle that I would be summoned to fetch out of her purse. I hated digging in her purse, there was always so many dividers. I could suffer through the clutter of the bag, but the dividers pushed me over the edge. Something explicitly designed to inhibit my navigation through the bag.

    I don't really feel that guilty about lying about migraines. I explain it to myself as a form of short hand. They aren't quite headaches, as they inhibit my senses; my vision goes blurry, infrequently I hallucinate, but each time I have an oppressive pain on my forehead. I have come to understand that when people evoke the term migraine it basically means you're incapacitated, my mom often experiences migraines like that. She has to lay in a completely silent and dark room until her body can evict the Migraine out of her. I like to imagine it comes out through sweat. Those little migraine droplets collect into the sheets and pillow and get absorbed through the skin again for later migraine purposes.

    Migraines to my knowledge while being influenced by multiple genes are not explicitly hereditary. But all the same I have surrendered myself to the idea that just over some hill lies the world of laying down for hours and being angry all the time at everyone who comes into your bedroom just to fuck with you even though just fucking thinking hurts you. I compulsively ruminated, and I have tricked myself into believing a lot of things like that. After a lot of regimented thinking I have been able to unlearn a lot of those things.

from The Social Network (2010) Eduardo Saverin's New York dark apartment moments before being assaulted by his then girlfriend.

    People feeling bad for my self described migraines makes me feel better. A writer I really covet and envy is Max Karson; mrgirl. He takes a very stoic disposition towards pity, something I think maybe granted to him by a dismissal of all things out side of his control. For a few years in my life I sought to adopt that kind of disposition, but I have found myself returning to the comfort of pity and vanity regularly. Sometimes when I am too comfortable; too incognizant, and often when I am my wit's end; when I am laying face down into my pillow in a dark room and when I yell at anyone trying to ask me a good faith question. I think it's reductive to label that kind of disposition (one of forfeiting other's people burdens) as stoic. Sincere selfishness is something too quickly stigmatized. Take any confident guy off the street who speaks without caution, he doesn't care about himself. If he did he would employ more discretion with his words, maybe endorse figures and ideas only when he's familiar with them. In that way he is foolishly trusting.

    Drink more water is such an annoying phrase. It's very judgemental, it carries with the assumption not just that you don't already drink enough water it is a judgement of your ability to even live inside your body. As if I can't know when my body isn't hydrated; as if I'm not responsible enough to walk around inside my fucking skin.

    i don't have a migraine

 

 

bb

on computer peripherals

  first written: 11.10.24 2001est

    I often browse threads on 4channel's /g/ containing people's "battle stations". the term is a fossil of a time of sincere bliss among enthusiasts which stands in contrast to the age of cynicism we have adopted. Immersed in the theme of cynicism I am equal part conditioned and just naturally cynical I will mock to my friends the images posted partially in earnest by the users.

    Buying gewgaws has been quite a burdensome thing for me. Not because I am naturally a conservative buyer, but because my self hate uses the vehicle of shame to scrutinize all of my purchasing decisions. While self-hate undeniably isn't a healthy long term tool, but for here and now it has imparted on me  a strong sense of prejudice upon computer peripherals. So I feel like after having bought many things off eBay and selling back the chaff I have developed maybe what some would call a "good taste" in computer widgets.

     I actually  maintain a large markdown document containing all of the gadgets I have bought and a blurb of why or why not to buy any given trinket. I won't labor you with the full extent of the document. Instead of creating a shopping list with an accompanying amazon affiliate link, I would like to create some criteria which I think makes for good computer peripherals.

 

My Filco Majestouch 2 with Mx Blues and my HHKB pro 2.

to be ergonomic

     I have never had hand fatigue or hand pains from extended use of a keyboard for a mouse. I do however frequently have bad pain from prolonged use of my dip pen and most pencils. Regardless though I have stayed vigilant on the ergonomics of the tools I use daily. It is a challenge because before is a battlefield polluted with traps: buzzwords, terrestrial mines, inappropriate graphs, and payed actors. Upfront I must confess that I don't have any tools for you to sort through these besides anecdotes that you trust.

    There are a lot of mechanics involved in ergonomics. To a degree such that I don't have the confidence to impart any information on the mechanics. In fact I will be intentionally not be linking to any external articles about ergonomics. Not because you shouldn't read about it, but because I have simply believed so many wrong things about ergonomics I refuse to lead you down an almost certainly wrong path. There's a good chance your discretion is better than mine, but I do warn that you will probably make mistakes and that's ok because literally the world is against you. trying to sell crap you don't need to you with ads filtered through the world history's sum of ad algorithms fueled with a concerning degree of details about the time you spend on your computer.

    But there is one important lesson I have partially learned through experience and also imparted on me by discussion of user's more cynical than I. Almost all peripherals can be appropriately ergonomic with proper posture. When using a non keyboard try to keep your elbows low; not rolled forward and your arms straight as reasonable. You don't want to have to strain your wrist because your arms are splayed wide as they have to center in on the keyboard. This may feel like a reductive lesson to take away, but its' important nonetheless. It is so important because it is something that's in our control (excluding the physically disabled :P ).

    Posture while important can still only take you so far. For most peripherals that aren't offensively lacking in ergonomics posture will probably take you to the finish line. So I find the pursuit of ergonomic baubles noble.

    Keyboards exist on a spectrum of ergonomics. I find that small keyboards work for me as long as I make adjustments to match my posture. But undeniably they are not designed with ergonomics in mind. I have use compact keyboards for the bulk of my life and have grown quite accustomed to them. Which im embarassed to say  has definitely lead me to be more narrow minded about other form factors.

    The next point in this spectrum are elevated keyboards. These are popular in office spaces and I remember seeing them littered around ECU's labs when I was a child. These are also the preferred form factor of my dad so whenever I have use his computer I get a quick taste of how it feels on the other side. From the sum of my experiences in libraries and campuses where I have used these I think they're a kind of comfortable medium. I would recommend them if you want to try something new coming from the standard keyboard form factor, try it and see if this is something you care about.

A Microsoft Natural keboard from 1994. Photo: PCStuff/Wikimedia Commons

    I won't speak much on split keyboards as I think they're pretty much only for people who'd rather post pictures of they're devices rather than actually use them. Ergonomically it is sound to have two separate adjustable pieces for you arms to use at a natural extension. But I just find that they're still so confined to the keyboard form factor and are outclassed by the truly enthusiast class of devices. Which could be excusable if they weren't asking for $300 for these devices (doom shotgun sound). I think the best advantage the split keyboards have is that they don't take up as much room as the big shell ergonomic keyboards and they allow for minute micro adjustments to match your shifting posture.

    Lastly are the devices so eccentric they're identifiable from silhouette and their form so embarrassing just a profile image could be used as a reaction image. The class of keyboards so enthusiasts that they don't really have a well defined name for their form factor. The most identifiable is the The Kinesis Advantage 2 QD. Boasting a MSRP of $350 and the build quality to match. I have never layed eyes on the beast, and I envy those who have and lived to tell the tale. I'm a little hesitant to have brought it up, because my input is so shallow, but you have to know of the depths man will go.

    On the subject of mice I have a lot of experience. Partially because mice are cheaper than enthusiast keyboards. But inspite of the double digit amount of mice I have tried I have basically no wisdom to pass onto you. Basically all mice are bastards, and the less you use your mouse the better off you are lol. The whole concept of a pointer that doesn't use the god given pointer ABOVE YOUR BELT is ungrateful. Also don't give any bullshit about trackballs because I have tried them and if you're the guy who brings them up in every thread you should lay your BALLS on the TRAIN TRACKS (doom shotgun sound).

    I do find myself quite partial to vertical mice. Besides the ergonomics I also find myself to be much more precise with them. No file is safe from my double click with a Ali express "Healthy Mouse". That one mouse I bought for $6 lasted me 4 years. Ever since that button broke I have been chasing that high. 

 Not the vertical mouse I owned, but like look at it. How could you not literally LOL at this, like what?

    In the tail end of Covid era I invested $99 in 2022 on a Logictech MX Vertical mouse, which I resented through its' life. I gave up on before I could even experience mechanical failure (though I have heard they're prone to a litany of mechanical failures). I tossed it because its rubber finished had grown a stickiness that could not be cleaned. Some warm water and soap could quench the problem but for no more than a day.

    I currently use a Logitech MX Master 3s. I do not recommend any Logitech product. Their products seem to all be prone to false positives and most of them have this rubber surface keen on absorbing as much hand oil as a possible. Having returned to a normal mouse form factor in contrast to the previous two vertical mice has been hard. I think I have mostly adapted, but I do notice when playing my favorite 'puter game Hopoo Game's Risk of Rain 2 that sometimes I can't quite hit enemies with the same accuracy before.

to be with you until death do us part. 

     We exist in a very unique time. A time of unseen posterity, the likes not seen before in history. But even in the best of times it is prudent of us to not act frivolous. Thingamabobs as much as I resent them, simply do make my life better. So when I open myself up to a new one I want it to be with me for a long time. At time of writing I do not have a job. I do have a bit of money saved up and my expenses are basically zero. But in the face of having no income I have to make purchases count, and coming out of this recession I think this scrutiny is shared by most people.

    The only tool to find a tool, that will be there when you're at your lowest is scrutiny. It has been hard for me because I think I have a lot of prejudice; I find a little comfy hole and it is hard for me to go out of that hole. I try to integrate this conservative disposition into my personality more and more in age. I am still very discontent with my life, so I want to admit to you that these ramblings are from a perspective who's ends are not great.

to be you.

    Behind every dumb terminal is a capable user. Gizmos are how we interface with our magical black boxes and we grow intimate with these peripherals. we grow cynical of our inhibitions too, personal or mechanical. People have told me since I was young that computers (and I imagine for young kids now: cellphones) have become extensions of our body. Like arms, the appendages are how we interface with our world. This co-dependence has been the subject of endless scrutiny and mockery for as long as I have been alive.

     The internet as it has settled deeper into its niche as a store front it has been hard to find information about products that aren't thinly veiled product endorsements. Amazon sponsor links often conveniently included. But putting the goods in our face is only half the battle, the other half is subversively convincing you that your life could be so much better if you could only have one more gadget. I am not trying to look down on those who have been caught in this trap, as I am regularly the victim to the same desires.

    Cynicism towards needless consumerism has been the default disposition among internet preachers since amazon sold more than book. While I do think that disposition isn't unneeded, I do think we should at the same time make room for comfort plastic do nothings give us. As a completely arbitrary ratio I would say that only 1 in 40 of my plastic things do genuinely make me more content with my life. Our lives can't sustainably be built on consumerism, but surely the even minded shouldn't dismiss our possessions as just frivolous. 

to be what is yours.

    I just want you to be ok. Things are bad, a lot of the time, and that is ok. Your Windows PC sucks, but Linux is just as bad. The grass is greener on the otherside. But your side; your world; your desk, its' your domain. Our computers for as much as sometimes it's hard to see, they are some of the only things we have direct control over. A new keyboard may fix it, it may not. For me I think my keyboard, headset, not my mouse, and my dock make me content.

christmas never was.

 first written: 12.31.24 0819est

    Four days after Christmas I sat down with my close friend to watch "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence". The only thing I knew about the movie was that it prominently featured a soundtrack by Ryuichi Sakamoto. One of my favorite games is ASCII's L.O.L: Lack of Love. The origin of L.O.L was apparently Sakamoto himself according to Kenichi Nishi the game's director. Beyond the concept Sakamoto contributed sound design that went beyond immersion it was a wave that would completely submerge you. In 2023 Ryuichi Sakamoto passed away from a 9 year battle with multiple cancers. Like most guilty people, I have been making up for lost time in familiarizing every note of Sakamoto's legacy. 

    A track found on multiple CDs and Albums that I had become quite fond of was "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence". An eccentric name for a track, but maybe no more eccentric than "Water is Life" or "World Citizen -- I won't be disappointed". Only after trying to pull up "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence" in a internet video call with a friend did I find a curious trailer that suspiciously shared the same name as the song I loved so much.

    I refuse to summarize or recount the movie to you, the following narrative will be  written under the premise that you have watched the movie (without checking your phone). If not because it would be talking down to you then as a gentle nudge to get you to watch a movie I think is very notable.

What would it mean to make an amends?

    I think a less intentional movie would of had Mr. Lawrence tell Hara-san "merry Christmas". A movie with less honest intent in playing both sides; one willing to reduce conflict to just people are bad. Representing it simply as the shoe now on the other foot.

    In someways this movie is constantly setting you up to think that. To reductively symbolize hurt feelings as frivolous. But I think how the two main relationships (Mr. Lawrence with Hara-san and Celliers with Yonoi) end up shows a level of significant asymmetry. A detail I think is often missing when making stories about war is that people hurt each other in different ways, some worse, some better. Tallying each up on a score board is trivial, which authors often understand. But frustratingly authors take that understanding and often create two disparate forces that somehow share the same methods of inflicting misery.

    The movie itself has difficulty parsing ideas of malice through the characters. Most of the evil actors in the story are basically henchmen or reduced to army drones. Think the nameless soldier that tries to kill Cellier. Not putting so much on our main four characters definitely does make it easier to hold these elements in our head. I also think crucially it let's us empathize more easily. In our lives we rarely think of ourselves as malicious, and we find ourselves having to make amends for the rash and cruel actions of others. Which is represented by how Mr. Lawrence has to walk a thin line of advocating for his peers and admitting their fault in often the same breath.

    No one wins from a conflict where neither participant has a goal. To build a rail road; to be the warden of your invaders; to resist your captors, all just to spend time still. spend time until the sense of dread in the losing war is no longer avoidable. 

    What it means to live in dread as all you have known rots is basically what it is like to live in a damn body. but you don't see me taking no damn prisoners. It's easy to be a saint in paradise. The Japanese POW camp was no paradise though. Haunted by men seeking not peace; but justice. Not just the people, even the climate is inhospitable. In stark contrast when Mr. Lawrence visits Hara-san as he is a prisoner, the beach is moderate. What does it say then that Mr. Lawrence can say "You're the victim of men who think they are right. Just as one day you and captain Yonoi believed absolutely you were right. The truth is of course, that nobody is right."? I basically do agree with his disposition, but I mean can a man in good conscious say that as his peer is to be put to death now that you're on the other side of the line.

    I don't think I am right about this movie. But I can feel the presence of will; of intention. I just want to understand. Symmetry is perhaps, unobtainable.

"There are times when victory is very hard to take."

    There was no intention to the violence, and that is why justice was unobtainable. Men died without peace, and their murderers were adorned with medals. All medals are now hung in museums belonging to no one or are underneath the counter of pawn shops across the world. Being unobtainable is what this movie is all about.

though the movie's intentions still evades my grasp all the same.

    What I have not been able to chase down however is if this movie is cynical or if its' just trying to be true to form. it certainly doesn't seem overly critical of its form; but maybe I am just confusing that with a lack of shame. Bowie's character makes a sacrifice that really had no significant effect beyond traumatizing those who bore witness.

    What are we to do with knowing that violence is fruitless? What more could we do that we haven't gleamed during our tenure at recess in youth?

    Hara-san tells them that he is father Christmas. But he isn't. Which like lol true. But to be literally drunk with power and to assume the impossible duty of being Santa. Maybe that is what makes Hara-san the good character, I don't know. Mr. Lawrence only tells Hara-san "Merry Christmas" as a prisoner. Reuniting after everyone Lawrence and Hara-san knew is dead, He doesn't return a "merry Christmas". I don;t know what that means, but certainly I don't feel like Mr. Lawrence came out the other side a fulfilled person.

    Not that I am looking for a redemption of Mr. Lawrence. A redemption isn't necessary. But I have simply returned to where I started: 

I think a less intentional movie would of had Mr. Lawrence tell Hara-san "merry Christmas".

    This essay was mostly composed in a conversation with the friends I first mentioned watching the movie with. I have only added a preface, and elaborated on some more of my questions. I feel guilty for mostly just barraging you with questions never even I could be bothered to fully flesh out. But the nature of it is that I had just watched this movie and if I didn't commit this to word I would of forgotten it. I would of let it go. I could only hope that maybe I helped you get more out of this movie than you could of on your own.

building your own buddy.

 first written 01.01.25 1131est

    I have never made friends in my life. I am in no way saying that I don't have friends. Just that I have never participated in the active process of making friends. The whole breadth of my life I have been gifted friends by circumstance. Not that I am under any impression that people venture deep into the jungle to find friends. I have never made a friend of my own.

    Some friends have been given to me by mutual friends. That is the case with most of my friends. To be given to me doesn't just mean that I meet them and thing kick it off, these people more than not are prompted to be my friend. No matter how many times this ritual occurs, I don't feel guilt even though I should.

    I have tried many times to no success at just meeting someone. It is an embarrassing short coming that I dwell on frequently. I find being shy to not be a quirky trait of mine, but a fundamental short coming. For me I find that this inadequacy is rooted in sociopathy. It is a form of labor to me, to listen to people who I am not already familiar. On the chance I have forced myself into a situation where I am maybe expected to speak, I prefer being silent. I find that I rather stand in the doorway just creeping rather than confronting.

    I don't know if I live conflicted because of this. In the moment I am usually content with my situation, but when I can't take anymore I loathe having no where else to go. But that's maybe less conflict and just resenting the consequences of my lifestyle.

    Relationships because of this are always strained. I have made a show of leaving every one I know out of frustration only to come pathetically crawling back in a month. In that month of exile, I try to make it on my own. To which I am quickly reminded of my complete inability to make new friends. And so it is that since 2016 when I started highschool I have maintained roughly the same friend group.

    How this friend group was given to me was because I had made a discord server for a then fringe manwha called "Suicide Boy" authored by Parkgee. The server was mostly a place to facilitate the translation efforts to which I also contributed but I believe exclusively burdened. Being a server  owner I was introduced to a lot of people, and those people having organized out of a 4chan thread were a very certain kind of character. A kind of terse and entitled character, but one who wants to be understood.

     In no other circumstance would that many people wanted to talk to me. For a long time I felt guilty about that. I felt undeserving of attention, especially when the contributors to the project were right there. Now I don't really feel anything about it. Which I don't know if that's any better. People just kind of organize themselves like that, and the tribe elder will always have some buy in to most community activities.

    That server has long outlived me. Staffed by unfamiliar names, and home to people who aren't familiar with mine. This anonymity has granted me a sense of security. I don't have to feel embarrassed because no one remembers. I have a tendency to dwell on the past; like all men. But to me it is compulsive to a degree that it interrupts my ability to live in the moment. I truly do miss being around all those people. Not just the community fame, but the moments shared in chats, calls listening to music, playing Minecraft in chunks of 48 hours.

    Overtime this friend group has been eroded by the tides of egos, molestation, and drugs. what remains is only a loosely connected web of people who are held together less from cohesion and more from tension. I think that's maybe ok. Its ok to not like your friends. I do, but it is ok when I don't. 

"The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better" Hey Jude

     Friends can often outpace us. I think when friends move on from us, they go to heaven and live happily with where our childhood pets go. 

    A lot of media wants to validate us being happy with our friends no matter what. Describing the most trivial of connections as unbreakable bond. But maybe you shouldn't be happy with your friends; and certainly not all the time. When you are mad at your friends it shouldn't be the end either. I have a terrible problem with forgiving people, not because I am selfless, but because I don't care enough about them.

in memory to my M3 pro macbook.

first written 09.30.24 2203est

    On September 11th 2024. From the Apples website's refurbished store front I purchased a M3 pro MacBook for roughly $1500. This was the most expensive single transaction I have had made in my life so far. embarrassing I know. I have never owned an Apple product before this. I was diving deep into a pool which in my circles was very unpopular.

    I have had only touch an Apple device thrice before. When I was very young, I was forced to wander the campus of EDU while my dad worked. In the biology labs, one of the offices I frequented housed an iMac g4. I had pulled up the LEGO website on it, to play a LEGO Star Wars flash game. The lab second nearest to that office had an Apple PowerPC. It was hot and loud. Much louder than my dad's and I's PCs at home. It felt like a crude piece of machinery. I made it a point to never touch that PowerPC. I wasn't supposed to touch any of the lab computers, but that hadn't been a concern to my discretion.

    In my 2nd year of middle school my school district was given a big flashy grant, that the admin made a constant big deal about. A large portion of that grant was spent buying a 2012 Mac book Air for each student. A decision by the staff, that confused me greatly at the time and only makes sense to me now if I am in my most cynical state of mind. Our school was quite ran down. Blinking fluorescent lights illuminated each sterile hallway. Our lunch table seats had been whittled down to only a little more than a pole. Our teachers were stretched thin and were of course poorly compensated. 

    But all the same I was issued a MacBook Air with a user profile that forbid me from touch files outside of the User folder. I could still run executables, but I couldn't install them into ~/Applications/. I liked it. When I first got it, the first thing I did was download a Game Grumps wallpaper. After leaving middle school, I didn't give much thought to that laptop. The subject of my ruminations during this part of my life was much about my new custom built PC and living with Linux permanently in my life.

    In current day, I was lured into the possibility of buying a MacBook by two Youtubers who I respect for their level headed endorsements. First was Wolfgang's analysis of his M1 MacBook air vs his previous X1 Carbon (the laptop I used before ordering the M3). Secondly Livakivi's intricate anecdote of taking a risk on a M1 Max in the face of expensive prospective GPU prices and the need for a device that could be easily taken while moving to japan (Which funnily enough was the same spot I am in too).

    I frequently checked the provided shipping information page. I would close it and have to find the email and pull it up again, this ritual usually occurred twice a day after each meal. While waiting I reviewed both of the previously mentioned videos thrice over and studied the complex and nuanced analysis by the ghouls on 4channel's /g/. 

    My conviction in this purchase was shaky. Even before it had been in my life, I was already of thinking about how to rid myself of it. Just compulsive and unstoppable stream of scrutiny and self doubt. A complex allotted to me by Apple's 14 day return policy. I could risk free, get my money back. As long as I could make up my mind by the end of that return period.

    I was very certain on the outset that this laptop would be cleaned up and dropped off at the closest Apple store (a 40 minute drive) within the first 4 days of the return period. That day lined up on when I would be on my way to Magic: The Gathering tournament. But that day had come and passed. 

    It still sat on my desk in an erratic and way that did not convey stillness. This being the living testament of my inability to come to a decision on the value of having this burden follow me around. It had sprouted roots, and planted itself into my desk; into my time.

Pictured my M3 a few days into using it. It had adopted the form of an octopus with its wires splaying all across my desk.

    If I were to concisely organize my feelings on this slab I would offer this dichotomy. 

I love the hardware; loathe the software.

    The relation with Mac OS and this device can't be un-tangled. To get ahead of it, as a self described Linux advocate: I will not be a beta tester for Asahi Linux. Asahi Linux for those not familiar is the most developed distribution on Apple's ARM (Mx?) platform. As of writing Asahi is bootable on my device, but does not support  many of the features. I do eagerly follow progress and I commit before publishing this post I will have contributed a small donation of $25 to Hector Martin via GitHub's sponsoring feature. If you're interested in using Asahi on your device and you haven't already I would encourage you to make a donation within your means.

 My receipt of a one time $25 donation to Martin through Github's sponsorship page.

    After kind of covering my ass, with my preface on why I am not using Linux on this device I would like to delve into everything I loathe about the software of Mac OS.

Mac OS as software

    While certainly not required reading I would love to recommend the previously mentioned video by Livakivi on his experience with his M1 Max. In the video he catalogues the laundry list of issues he experienced as a power user transitioning to using Mac OS. I have almost entirely agreed with all of his assessments. So in an effort to avoid treading in already treaded ground and because I think a kind of bullet point list of grievances is a lazy form of writing. I want to approach my issues with Mac OS as a bigger picture issue and litter in a few concrete examples to ground it out.

    Mac OS in many ways is defined in opposition to Windows instead of maybe a more natural delineation. Repeatedly while working on the device I would instinctively use some short cut (usually related to window management.) and it would of course not work. That's not inherently a problem but what is is that when I would look up Apple's solution they would either not exist or be touch/trackpad focused. I won't labor you with why its annoying, but the bottom line is that its not compatible with me.  

The Case for Mac OS: a side note.

    I think one of the better arguments in favor of using Mac OS is the credibility of apple in holding all of my sensitive information. ( >:O <-- probably you right now). This is a bit of a nuanced argument. If any private entity holding your information is a no go, I find that respectable. But I believe that of all the private companies Apple is probably my third most trusted to hold my data (The first and second being Mullvad and Signal. But if only for the reason that it has been proven in the courts that they don't hold any information on its' users :P ). 

    I think as described Mac OS being a very pointer focused OS is simultaneously an upside. Just given the context of the use. While at my desk getting work done, it infuriates me to no end the hoops I must jump through for simple navigation. But while lying on my bed where my hand is almost always resting on the track pad, I find it quite blissful. Which is almost to be expected because this is clearly the designed use case not just for Mac OS but all apple products. Which importantly is one of the conditions of using a laptop, so I find it often inappropriate to disregard the couch based accessibility of mobile devices.

The M3 Pro as hardware

    I love this machine as a piece of hardware. Though this machine is not immune from the litany of computer enthusiasts, I love it all the same. I feel like one of the big complaints among the ThinkPad ilk are the soldered components of all MacBooks. On this I just feel like I don't personally value non soldered components that much. I don't plan on upgrading the storage or ram, because simply I do not really value having excess of either. There is much to say that if one of these components were to fail that I would shit out of luck. But as someone who has owned 5 ThinkPads through my life, I do not feel this is something the enthusiast class of laptops is immune too. Lets face it ThinkPad parts (especially for the x230 and earlier) are not in sheer abundance anymore. If something on your main board breaks you're pretty much just having to buy a new ThinkPad.

    None of what I have said is to admonish ThinkPad owners. I don't have any plans currently to sell my x230 or my x1 carbon. I just think the community at large has become too comfortable with the dated talking points of 2014. If you find my judgement poor I will save you the time in reading and promise that my judgement does not get any better.

    What has done the most work to keep from dropping this laptop on the doorstep of the closest apple store is the sheer power efficiency of the chip. Which may not seem important as someone who currently resides in America where energy is cheap and abundant. But inefficient hardware design has two big visible bruises. First heat. Heat comes with two inconveniences. sweaty palms and thighs during extended use and fan whine. I am very sensitive to noise. I dread the whine of fans. I find fans to be much more preferable to the erratic gurgles of water cooling, but I hate both all the same. Especially on laptops it hampers my peace of mind when the fans kick in. This is all to say that the M3 Pro almost spins its fans. While this concern my come off as vain to some, it is very important to me. The second main benefit to power efficiency is battery life. Which is kind of self evident why that's valuable. I have used my M3 Pro without charging for a day and half on two occasions now and it hasn't dropped under 30%. Not having to keep in the back of my mind the state of the battery and my proximity to an outlet is such a relief to my admittedly paranoid mind.

Saying goodbye.

     On the 24th of September, I sat with my macbook preparing it to be returned to my nearest apple store. Which required that I disconnect my Apple ID from it, an appreciated notion of good faith; though tedious. My last day to return it being the 27th, but I required to give myself time to prepare a suitable solution for a traveling computer so I moved in advance of that date.

 My last screenshot taken on my MacBook before I sent it to the long sleep. ):

    Through out my usage of this device I felt very tortured. But I feel like it's ultimately in the hands of the ARM platform. While undoubtedly has a bright future ahead in its current form it is burdened by a lot compromise. For a machine that I need to do work, I am not willing to compromise on a handful of features. For a machine that was supposed to replace my desktop.