in memory to my M3 pro macbook.

first written 09.30.24 2203est

    On September 11th 2024. From the Apples website's refurbished store front I purchased a M3 pro MacBook for roughly $1500. This was the most expensive single transaction I have had made in my life so far. embarrassing I know. I have never owned an Apple product before this. I was diving deep into a pool which in my circles was very unpopular.

    I have had only touch an Apple device thrice before. When I was very young, I was forced to wander the campus of EDU while my dad worked. In the biology labs, one of the offices I frequented housed an iMac g4. I had pulled up the LEGO website on it, to play a LEGO Star Wars flash game. The lab second nearest to that office had an Apple PowerPC. It was hot and loud. Much louder than my dad's and I's PCs at home. It felt like a crude piece of machinery. I made it a point to never touch that PowerPC. I wasn't supposed to touch any of the lab computers, but that hadn't been a concern to my discretion.

    In my 2nd year of middle school my school district was given a big flashy grant, that the admin made a constant big deal about. A large portion of that grant was spent buying a 2012 Mac book Air for each student. A decision by the staff, that confused me greatly at the time and only makes sense to me now if I am in my most cynical state of mind. Our school was quite ran down. Blinking fluorescent lights illuminated each sterile hallway. Our lunch table seats had been whittled down to only a little more than a pole. Our teachers were stretched thin and were of course poorly compensated. 

    But all the same I was issued a MacBook Air with a user profile that forbid me from touch files outside of the User folder. I could still run executables, but I couldn't install them into ~/Applications/. I liked it. When I first got it, the first thing I did was download a Game Grumps wallpaper. After leaving middle school, I didn't give much thought to that laptop. The subject of my ruminations during this part of my life was much about my new custom built PC and living with Linux permanently in my life.

    In current day, I was lured into the possibility of buying a MacBook by two Youtubers who I respect for their level headed endorsements. First was Wolfgang's analysis of his M1 MacBook air vs his previous X1 Carbon (the laptop I used before ordering the M3). Secondly Livakivi's intricate anecdote of taking a risk on a M1 Max in the face of expensive prospective GPU prices and the need for a device that could be easily taken while moving to japan (Which funnily enough was the same spot I am in too).

    I frequently checked the provided shipping information page. I would close it and have to find the email and pull it up again, this ritual usually occurred twice a day after each meal. While waiting I reviewed both of the previously mentioned videos thrice over and studied the complex and nuanced analysis by the ghouls on 4channel's /g/. 

    My conviction in this purchase was shaky. Even before it had been in my life, I was already of thinking about how to rid myself of it. Just compulsive and unstoppable stream of scrutiny and self doubt. A complex allotted to me by Apple's 14 day return policy. I could risk free, get my money back. As long as I could make up my mind by the end of that return period.

    I was very certain on the outset that this laptop would be cleaned up and dropped off at the closest Apple store (a 40 minute drive) within the first 4 days of the return period. That day lined up on when I would be on my way to Magic: The Gathering tournament. But that day had come and passed. 

    It still sat on my desk in an erratic and way that did not convey stillness. This being the living testament of my inability to come to a decision on the value of having this burden follow me around. It had sprouted roots, and planted itself into my desk; into my time.

Pictured my M3 a few days into using it. It had adopted the form of an octopus with its wires splaying all across my desk.

    If I were to concisely organize my feelings on this slab I would offer this dichotomy. 

I love the hardware; loathe the software.

    The relation with Mac OS and this device can't be un-tangled. To get ahead of it, as a self described Linux advocate: I will not be a beta tester for Asahi Linux. Asahi Linux for those not familiar is the most developed distribution on Apple's ARM (Mx?) platform. As of writing Asahi is bootable on my device, but does not support  many of the features. I do eagerly follow progress and I commit before publishing this post I will have contributed a small donation of $25 to Hector Martin via GitHub's sponsoring feature. If you're interested in using Asahi on your device and you haven't already I would encourage you to make a donation within your means.

 My receipt of a one time $25 donation to Martin through Github's sponsorship page.

    After kind of covering my ass, with my preface on why I am not using Linux on this device I would like to delve into everything I loathe about the software of Mac OS.

Mac OS as software

    While certainly not required reading I would love to recommend the previously mentioned video by Livakivi on his experience with his M1 Max. In the video he catalogues the laundry list of issues he experienced as a power user transitioning to using Mac OS. I have almost entirely agreed with all of his assessments. So in an effort to avoid treading in already treaded ground and because I think a kind of bullet point list of grievances is a lazy form of writing. I want to approach my issues with Mac OS as a bigger picture issue and litter in a few concrete examples to ground it out.

    Mac OS in many ways is defined in opposition to Windows instead of maybe a more natural delineation. Repeatedly while working on the device I would instinctively use some short cut (usually related to window management.) and it would of course not work. That's not inherently a problem but what is is that when I would look up Apple's solution they would either not exist or be touch/trackpad focused. I won't labor you with why its annoying, but the bottom line is that its not compatible with me.  

The Case for Mac OS: a side note.

    I think one of the better arguments in favor of using Mac OS is the credibility of apple in holding all of my sensitive information. ( >:O <-- probably you right now). This is a bit of a nuanced argument. If any private entity holding your information is a no go, I find that respectable. But I believe that of all the private companies Apple is probably my third most trusted to hold my data (The first and second being Mullvad and Signal. But if only for the reason that it has been proven in the courts that they don't hold any information on its' users :P ). 

    I think as described Mac OS being a very pointer focused OS is simultaneously an upside. Just given the context of the use. While at my desk getting work done, it infuriates me to no end the hoops I must jump through for simple navigation. But while lying on my bed where my hand is almost always resting on the track pad, I find it quite blissful. Which is almost to be expected because this is clearly the designed use case not just for Mac OS but all apple products. Which importantly is one of the conditions of using a laptop, so I find it often inappropriate to disregard the couch based accessibility of mobile devices.

The M3 Pro as hardware

    I love this machine as a piece of hardware. Though this machine is not immune from the litany of computer enthusiasts, I love it all the same. I feel like one of the big complaints among the ThinkPad ilk are the soldered components of all MacBooks. On this I just feel like I don't personally value non soldered components that much. I don't plan on upgrading the storage or ram, because simply I do not really value having excess of either. There is much to say that if one of these components were to fail that I would shit out of luck. But as someone who has owned 5 ThinkPads through my life, I do not feel this is something the enthusiast class of laptops is immune too. Lets face it ThinkPad parts (especially for the x230 and earlier) are not in sheer abundance anymore. If something on your main board breaks you're pretty much just having to buy a new ThinkPad.

    None of what I have said is to admonish ThinkPad owners. I don't have any plans currently to sell my x230 or my x1 carbon. I just think the community at large has become too comfortable with the dated talking points of 2014. If you find my judgement poor I will save you the time in reading and promise that my judgement does not get any better.

    What has done the most work to keep from dropping this laptop on the doorstep of the closest apple store is the sheer power efficiency of the chip. Which may not seem important as someone who currently resides in America where energy is cheap and abundant. But inefficient hardware design has two big visible bruises. First heat. Heat comes with two inconveniences. sweaty palms and thighs during extended use and fan whine. I am very sensitive to noise. I dread the whine of fans. I find fans to be much more preferable to the erratic gurgles of water cooling, but I hate both all the same. Especially on laptops it hampers my peace of mind when the fans kick in. This is all to say that the M3 Pro almost spins its fans. While this concern my come off as vain to some, it is very important to me. The second main benefit to power efficiency is battery life. Which is kind of self evident why that's valuable. I have used my M3 Pro without charging for a day and half on two occasions now and it hasn't dropped under 30%. Not having to keep in the back of my mind the state of the battery and my proximity to an outlet is such a relief to my admittedly paranoid mind.

Saying goodbye.

     On the 24th of September, I sat with my macbook preparing it to be returned to my nearest apple store. Which required that I disconnect my Apple ID from it, an appreciated notion of good faith; though tedious. My last day to return it being the 27th, but I required to give myself time to prepare a suitable solution for a traveling computer so I moved in advance of that date.

 My last screenshot taken on my MacBook before I sent it to the long sleep. ):

    Through out my usage of this device I felt very tortured. But I feel like it's ultimately in the hands of the ARM platform. While undoubtedly has a bright future ahead in its current form it is burdened by a lot compromise. For a machine that I need to do work, I am not willing to compromise on a handful of features. For a machine that was supposed to replace my desktop.  

vr chat journals

    My house has not seen a trick or treater in 5 years. Something I don't particularly miss, but none the less does direct how I spend my Halloween nights. This year (2024) I spent Halloween night in VR Chat. Mostly hanging around in "Trash Compactor" worlds; a game world that consists of a player shooting physics objects to knock the other players off junk into a big hole. That night was effectively by myself, I did not say a single word across my 4 hour play session.

    Every night following I would play VR Chat before bed, without any of my friends. Mostly spent silent, but not exclusively. Each night spent would be capped with a "vr chat journal" that I would spend no more than 30 minutes on.

     My Halloween night of journal depicts my avatar getting turned into a blood of mist by an antagonizing "Trash Compactor" world. My strategy in playing this game is simply to sit on top of the roof of the center most trailer. This specific moment I knew my fate was set, so I decided to face it head on. My character approximately performed this animation as I moved between the laying down state to the crouched state and to the upright state. When I perform these transitions well enough I like to imagine that I am actually performing this with body tracking.

    Day 2 depicts also a "Trash Compactor" world, where a player wearing a Peridot from Steven Universe avatar wouldn't stop staring at me. I was perturbed. But I can't in good faith blame it solely on the Peridot as I was listening to Kid A on repeat which was making geek out on the vibes. This journal was actually scribbled in progressively through my night in contrast to the rest being drawn at the tail end of my play session. The digital numbers are my remberings of the timer that would end each game session. I had grown quite resentful of that timer.

    This one is me fully embracing my stalker persona. I spent the bulk of my night in a populated cabin world. I enjoyed it. It was littered with graffiti which I documented and I will review in a later blog post about my feelings about VR Chat in general. I integrated the graffiti into the journal itself, which I kind of postured as the similarly silent and stalking creatures of Yume Nikki.

    This brief 3 panel comic is a pretty self explanatory experiance. What's left to the imagination is just conditions of the exchange. It was a Trash Compactor instance, that was about to close as the host was going to bed. Before they left, they wanted to play without randoms. Upon this being conveyed I performed the "GMod Dance" included in my avatar's expressions. I wasn't initially trying to convince the owner, I just wanted to not be uncomfortable as they were soon to kick me.

    I enjoyed those 2 last games, I felt welcomed for the first time.

    This last journal was made the same night of the previous; a double feature. Trash Compactor is where I have spent the most time so far in VR Chat. I've found some comfort existing a space where there distractions from literally being social. 

    This night specifically I spawned into a still world; the view port of the game showed a still counter and no players in the play space. But curiously no one in the waiting room despite the player count being 8. I saw in the distance a PNG of a drone flying towards me clipping through the geometry of the world. When the drone penetrated the view port, a young voice asked me "Wanna ride?" which I offered my first and only spoken word of the night "Sure.".

    He then spun in 180° revealing a highlighted box which VR Chat prompted me to "sit". After mounting the beast, he flew me across the distance of the play space into the turret chamber where I saw the previously missing players. After I dismounted, the drone PNG as if he was literally automated made his way slowly across back towards the spawn area. I sat and listened to the mixxed age crowd observing the space of the turret room which isn't usually so free to observation. Like the breadth of my time playing VR Chat, I spent it silent.

    Like many well written we finish where we started; the arena of "Trash Compactor". This time having conquered my shadow: playing the damn game. I think my main reflection is that I enjoy viewing these often commodified and quickly thrown away digital environments. But my will to experience these worlds as though they are digital parks is nothing more than a distraction from actually indulging people in conversation.

    I haven't spent much time in VR Chat since this last journal. I feel that it represents a monkey's paw for my life. I constantly am seeking escapism, not from pain necessarily but from having to address my situation. I think a lot of the people I have happened across in VR Chat are in a very similar camp.

    I think the users of VR Chat have unfairly and very broadly been painted with a color of paint of this escapism. But I would like to retort that a lot of these people just are decompressing. Much in the same fashion someone would after a long day retire to a couch and watch seinfeld, these players retreat to VR. 

I may be stupid

    And my brain is addled with youtube CRAP

But I do know my computer rocks

These worlds make us happy

AND I LOVE YOU

- bb

being one text box away from pretty much perfect.

 

    I first played Link's Awakening when I was 4. I got my copy from Phat Boy's Video Games which in 2009 went out of business and was turned into a Game Stop. On my way home from Phat Boy's Video Games in the back of my mom's Geo Prism, I played Link's Awakening DX in the ugly stretched out mode on my Game Boy Advance SP achieved by pressing the shoulder buttons. I played no more than getting to the forest on that car trip home.

     I never finished Link's Awakening until this year, and before this I did not make it farther than the second dungeon. But with just that narrow slice I knew that it was then my 2nd favorite top-down Zelda game.

    I came back to Link's Awakening this year. This time I came at the game with a more scholarly disposition. I framed it to myself as research for the game I have been writing in C; that aspires to be nothing more than a clone of Link's Awakening but with rogue-like elements inserted in with all the tactfulness of a new Pokemon generations' gimmick.

    In Link's Awakening there a many objects that occupy the width of a tile: pots, rocks, and different kinds of rocks. At the start of the game, you can push only a certain kind of rock. But EVERY SINGLE TIME you press against a big rock or a pot your game freezes as you have to navigate a slow rolling THREE dialogue box-spanning finger-waggle session hinting that you need the power bracelet that can be acquired in the second dungeon.

    This kind of mechanical exposition is the laziest kind you can cram into a game. Its' presence being anchored behind the crawling text roll and three presses of the A button makes it all the more tedious. On this surface, this complaint is on the level of internet game knit-picking to make an earnest man cry. But this petty strife just could not escape my mind as I made my way through the first hours of this game. It was so striking to me that I felt to write this post exclusively about it. 

    What makes it stand out so is just that the rest of the game is so masterfully crafted. Seriously, this game does kicks the cock off of Ocarina of Time and Super Metroid, combined (Doom's shotgun noise). Also its' combat is better than Skyrim  something the 3D Zeldas sincerely cannot claim. So much so that I would rather kill myself than not make a clone that preserves all of the finely tuned UI and Game-loop elements.

    In spite of my exquisite taste in games as a 5 year old, I was wrong to assume that the original Legend of Zelda was better than Link's Awakening. Link's Awakening is the synthesis of all the lessons learned by games made up to that point in time. 

    Also frankly if you feel a lick of sympathy (or equally an ounce of pity) for my 5 year old self's love for the original Zelda's clockwork; the good parts of Skyrim exploration, before I had even heard of chess, you should check your phone in front of a moving bus. (Doom's shotgun noise)

    Link's Awakening released in 1993, 8 years before I was born was basically the best game that had been released up to that point. Its' legacy rightfully earned among those who listen. But to be so close to perfection but to come just short because of a text crawling I find to be the most tragic form of irony. A machine with gears so narrowly calibrated that John Carmack still rolls around and pisses in bed thinking about it, is just so upsettingly tragic.

    I eagerly wait for the night that a steam page is spawned, containing a game remotely as solid in shape and form as Link's Awakening. A game doesn't hold itself down with the burden of the past and doesn't focus on something as mind-numbing as kiting enemies that chase you and with puzzles as primitive as Atari's adventure.

 

I am waiting for the night.